Derrik Nero Laswell THE MAN. THE MYTH. THE MESS.

So there are a million and one ways to feel pain, some are extremely painful and some are extremely orgasmic! What? Exactly.  So there is this weird thing were people actually have certain pains that they like that most people find painful, they find them enjoyable.  It’s like a more universal version of kink…maybe.

So I thought I would share some of my pains with you.

Fallen Asleep - When my legs or arms fall asleep, typically you can’t move them  because it hurts, but the little tingles that feel like needles shooting through your legs or arms actually feel pretty good.  It’s like a suspenseful hurt, I never know when it will end and it kinda feels good.

Toothache - Any cut or ache in my mouth or throat feels good to me, when I can’t swallow something because my throat is sore, I actually like that feeling and when my tooth is aching I pick at it.  When I bite or get a cut in my mouth I play with it with my tongue.  Don’t know why, but mouth pain doesn’t bother me, it’s just kind of distracting, not so much painful.

Mini Cuts - When I get a small prick from a glass cut or a paper cut I actually like the sting it produces, it distracts me from biting my nails.

Biting Nails - Sometimes I bite my nails down too much and I pull off too much of the nail and the pain of the exposed skin actually isn’t painful at all, it’s rather, comforting, I just use the pain as more of a fidget with my finger than wrapping it in bandages.

So now that the weirdness is over, here are some pains and aches that annoy me.

Nausea - I have a friend that loves throwing up, but if I feel nauseated at all I get really fucking annoyed and pissed off and become a real big cry baby.  I hate throwing up.

Pull Hair - Some people like that shit, but I don’t, I’m not tender headed at all, I just hate my hair being pulled.

Ear Infection - I hate that my sound is off.  It sucks and it annoys the shit out of me, I get really frustrated and angry really fast, I start stomping my feet, I hate ear infections.

So yeah that’s it.

So a year ago I bought a gym membership with 24 Hour Fitness and that failed, because it wasn’t very convenient.  So now I am with Anytime Fitness in Kyle and I think this is going to be great.  I am officially starting that committment I vowed on.  So let’s see what my end result is by December! Here are my stats!

Height: 5 Feet 11 3/4 Inches

Weight: 248 Pounds

BMI:  33.6 [Obese]

Pant Measurment: 36/38 Waist 31 Long

Dress Pant Measurment: 40 Waist 32 Long

So that’s me! That’s the most  honest I have ever been with my body.  I don’t feel obese, but I do feel overweight.  Personally the BMI Calculater is bullshit, but hey whatever, deal with it.  My goal weight is to be between 160-185lbs, which keeps me in the healthy range of a BMI, but if I transfer my fat to muscle mass, I will be fit, but never in that range, because I would be too “heavy.” Another reason that BMI is bullshit, but whatevs.

I wouldn’t say I am the most religious person in the world, but I am some what inspired by religion in some aspects of life.  Most of the time I am usually the one questioning religion, trying to give it a run for its money, but I usually am on the defense when it comes to God being portrayed as a blood sucking asshole.  Where did that come from?  I was always raised with the idea that God was the ultimate representation for love, you can’t go wrong with God’s Love; but then again, the person that told me that, also told me that God hates fags and that homosexuals go straight to hell and that it’s an abomination to God to be gay, so, hmm.

Now here is my defense to people claiming God is an evil tyrant.  What? The? FUCK!?  It’s bad enough we have to deal with human nature, the Devil and temptations, but now we have to realize that the one person that “has the answers to everything,” may not like you?  That’s so stupid.  I thought the purpose for God was to allow yourself to be safe and complete when you put your faith in Him?  So where is all this God Hate coming from?

I asked someone once, so since when did God become an evil bastard?

The response I got, “Read your bible.”

If that’s the answer I get, that’s really fucked.

So a couple of things before I start typing away.  I have been thinking a lot lately about questions that people ask you that you mentally go into AutoAnswer Mode.  I have three of them that I constantly get asked, so here is me attempting to not AutoAnswer them and tell you some more back story about them.  I also want to let you know some of these questions are kind of emotional for me and I am just going to think about them and type, with my eyes closed, so bare with me people. Please.

Okay  here goes nothing…

“Why are you not in college?” - Well this one is very simple.  There are two things working the cobs here.  On one end of the spectrum we have just bad luck and on the other end, we have a stubborn mentality.  I applied for every single loan you can think of at three different schools and I could not get financed to go to school.  Furthing my education is something I take very seriously.  I want to study a Double Major in Philosophy and Psychology with a minor in French or Japanese, but without me actually being in school, it seems like a pipe dream.  Now the other end of the specturm is a lot more selfish.  I haven’t tried any schools here in Texas where I currently reside.  Which does mean that I am not putting in the effort that it takes to get myself into a school, but when I do, I can’t go, so its more like a Catch22.  Everyone knows further education takes a lot of effort and dedication and to complete what I want to complete would take 100% of my time, which I am willing to give, but I have bills that I need to pay and I cannot go to school and do a double major and still be expected to make a $400.00 car payment.  Maybe I just can’t wrap my head around that concept.

“Where do you work?” - Unfortunately I work in the Hospitality Industry and it has to be one of the most demanding industries I have ever worked in.  I know there are worse jobs out there, and I have been fortunate enough not to work in them.  Yet for some reason this question bothers me very much because I think about the time when I was with a very stable company making lots of money and then I decided to move to Chicago, Illinois and left that job.  I was very insecure and arrogant about my abilites to make it in that city during that time of the year, and look where I ended up.  Getting paid $3 less and working more hours.

“Do you live alone?” - No. I don’t.  For several reasons.  I help my mother out the most I can when I can, and for that I have the opportunity to save money to eventually get my own place.  I would have had plenty of opportunities to do that, but when you fall down, everytime after the first, it takes longer and longer for you to get back up.  I right now, just don’t have the funds to get on my own, but people immediately assume its a choice to live at home, instead of its a stuggle to be independent, officially.  Have faith, me being on my own, will be the day.

“So what do you do for fun?” - I work, I sleep, I eat, I shit, I repeat.  My life is basically the starter kit, I haven’t bought any cool upgrades or accessories to make my life activate the Coolness Factor.  I would like to say I do fun stuff, but I’m actually very vanilla.  I watch movies, tv and play video games, if you notice, all things that can be done from home.  I don’t get out much.  If I do, its mainly because I desperately needed something, or just really wanted to window shop.  Lately, it’s been this craze with window shopping.

a dream state in which one is conscious enough to recognize that one is in the dream state and which stays in one’s memory

So I have been practicing having Lucid Dreams ever since I was 12 and lately I have been having a lot of them.  Most of the time I imagine the town I live in is Zombie infested and I have to fight my way out.  It’s very scary when I wake up with sweat running down my back, my heart beating and just freaked the fuck out, but the other night I had a Lucid Dream that was so beyond amazing.

I just got done watching Family Guy and I decided to practice some  breathing exercises and maybe do some stretching before I went to sleep.  Then as I laid down, I started recaping the family guy episode in my head. The Anti-Meg jokes, the Joe jokes and Seth’s voice.

I slowly relaxed myself into a sleep like state and I felt my eyes open, but everything was dark.  I didn’t know if I was staring into my ceiling or if I was finally into my dream state.  I walked over to where my bedroom door would be and as I opened it, I mentally prepared for zombies and regenerators, but instead I seen this tall and attractive man, making breakfast.  As I looked back into the room behind me, all I noticed was darkness, I knew I was in my dream state.  As smile came over my face, I quickly became flustered when I realized it was Seth Macfarlane.  Wearing jeans, no shoes or socks and a black sweater.

“Hey, good morning sunshine!”

Immediate thoughts running through my head, “Oh my fucking god, this is way to good to be true.”  I was in Seth Macfarlane’s “house,” and he’s making me breakfast, this is so awesome.

“Good morning. What’s up what are you doing?”

The first thing I can say to Seth Macfarlane and I say, “What’s up?”  What kind of nervous douche am I?

“Cooking some bacon? Extra crisp and barely cooked, just like you like it.”

I seriously am fucking with myself here, Seth makes me bacon just the way I like it, Oh My God.

“Aww thanks baby.”

What the fuck I have a name for him other than Seth!?  This is getting so interesting.

“Hey! Later on today, we have to meet with Sandra about your show.  So I think I’ll meet you back here around 2 so we can be by here by 3.”

Of course Seth is doing all of his little tics and facial spazzes, so I’m not even listening.

“Oh fuck! That’s right, I’m sorry, I forgot about that.”

That’s odd because I don’t even fucking remember anything I was supposed to forget.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”

So Seth walks over to me, puts his arm around me, and just as he leans in for a kiss, guess who gets time-blasted into the next scene? This guy! Me! So fucked up.

The scene cut to us walking in and of course he was wearing a very nice suit with no tie and I was wearing almost the same, but with a tie.  He sat on the bed and took off his shoes; I stayed leaning against the doorway to the bedroom.

“That was some good wine.”

OMG am I older in this world?

“So why don’t you describe it to me.”

MOTHER FUCKER!!!! That’s bullshit.  Either way I walk over to Seth and I put one knee on each side of him, and mount the bed.  I grab his head and tilt it up towards me.  After the two most amazing kisses in the world, Seth picks me up and slams me against the wall.  The rest is all in my head and lets just say it’s fucking awesomeo.

This dream just made me love Seth even more.

So this morning started out pretty odd.  Kevin wasn’t properly taken care of so I was really feeling a bad about that.  Once Kevin got a jolt, I was off to the store to pick up- some Carnitas and Menudo.  I really dispise going to the mexican markets, but either way the food was good once we added our own stuff to it.  Then at 10:30 I saw the funniest movie, I have seen all year.

BRUNO

Where do I start?  This movie opened with a techno song from Scooter and right away I was like, “OMG I know this song, I’m such a fag,”  This movie was literally 87 minutes of funny.  There was only one thing I think was very unnecessary in the movie and that was the “close up shot.”  If you have seen the movie you know what I am talking about.  I think this definitely tops Borat 100% and I think it does what any good comedy should do, push the limits and make people laugh.  I don’t think there was anything morally wrong about my choice to watch it, its funny and that’s that.  Good job Cohen.

UP

Yes this movie was amazing.  The animation was superb and the story line was so great at connecting to the real world.  I mean if you take away the talking dogs, the paradise creatures and the house being carried by the balloons, the story was fucking awesome.  I teared up once and cried once.  I definitely felt for Carl, I would definitely buy this movie. So good.

THE HANGOVER

Talk about over rated.  The only good thing in that movie was…umm…the music.  I smiled because it was an interesting movie, but I wasn’t laughing out loud…at all.  I think this movie had potential in the trailer, but the movie was so, just there, I mean even College made me laugh out loud and that movie was fucking stupid.  I don’t get the love for the Hangover and I really wanted to like it.  I will admit it was good, but not funny.

That was my day at the movies.

Obviously because I blog I use a lot of words to express myself, and obviously because I am a human I have a very high chance of using words to express myself, so I decided to make a list, what are the 10 ugliest words I’ve ever heard.

Here they are and why.

10. Girth

–noun

1. the measure around anything; circumference. 2. a band that passes underneath a horse or other animal to hold a saddle in place, esp. one having a buckle at each end for fastening to straps running from under the flaps of the saddle. 3. something that encircles; a band or girdle.

I was talking with my ex-boyfriend about something non-sexual and for some reason his girth was mentioned.  Don’t ask me how the fuck we got onto that subject, it just happened.  So once I heard it, I was like, “What the fuck did you just say?”  That word even sounds thick.  It’s just a girthy fucking word.

9.  Pussy

–noun, plural puss⋅ies.

1. a cat, esp. a kitten. 2. the game of tipcat. 3. the tapering piece of wood used in tipcat.

Well, I’ll admit I use this word when referring to many things, especially my kitty cat that we no longer have, but I think when people use this word when actually referring to the female genital area, it’s really ugly.  “I wanna lick your *beep*” Yikes!  It’s actually a more blunt word than it is ugly, but it’s still very ugly in a way.

8.  Buey

Spanish
1. Term used to describe an ox or similar animal.
2. Slang term translating to American English “dude” or similar word; term of camaraderie.

This is the number one reason I hate Spanish.  The definition is from the Urban Dictionary and it says it is like using, “dude,” but actually it means Asshole or Dumbass.  I hate when people use the word Buey, it’s sounds ugly and it’s really just ignorant and fucking rude. Fuck I hate that word.

7.  Maybe

–adverb 1. perhaps; possibly: Maybe I’ll go too. –noun 2. a possibility or uncertainty.

I really hate this word, but use it often.  For me I think this is an ugly word in certain situations.  When I want a YES or NO answer out of you and I know I can get a YES or NO answer out of you then I really don’t want to hear MAYBE or I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE. Go fuck youself, it’s either YES or NO.

6.  Mayne

Mayne is NOT a synonym for man. It is southern dialect slang way to PRONOUNCE man. You won’t see it spelled “mayne” by the people who talk that way… except maybe in written lyrics or dialogue (such as in fiction) or for emplasis. Other than that, why would anyone go to the trouble to write a word that’s almost twice as long as the correct one and not as widely understood?

I agree with the poster of this UrbanDictionary definition of the word.  I heard it in Scarface and in rap songs and I think it’s the most ignorant way to say “man.”  I can understand Scarface because that’s an accent, but in rap songs, clearly it’s used on purpose.  Also I hate the way people us it instead of saying, “Wow,” or “No way.”  Example:

Me: Hey check out this car that I want to buy, isn’t it nice?

Sister: MMMMAYNE!!!!!!! That’s a bad bitch!

Me:  Excuse me?

Ugh, that word irks the fuck out me.

5.  No

–adverb 1. (a negative used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question or request) 2. (used to emphasize or introduce a negative statement): Not a single person came to the party, no, not a one. 3. not in any degree or manner; not at all (used with a comparative): He is no better. 4. not a (used before an adjective to convey the opposite of the adjective’s meaning): His recovery was no small miracle. –adjective 5. not a (used before a noun to convey the opposite of the noun’s meaning): She’s no beginner on the ski slopes. –noun 6. an utterance of the word “no.” 7. a denial or refusal: He responded with a definite no. 8. a negative vote or voter: The noes have it. –verb (used with object) 9. to reject, refuse approval, or express disapproval of. –verb (used without object) 10. to express disapproval. —Idiom 11. no can do, Informal. it can’t be done.

Mayne! Look at all the ways you can say No! Ugh, I hate the word No.  I hate using it, and I hate the fact that I am one of those people who doesn’t enjoy the many privilleges NO has to offer.  I work in CS and I hate that I can’t say no easily.  Which can be a good thing, but sometimes I wish I could just say, “No,” and things be done and over with. Also, the word no really pisses me off when I’m being told no because I am one to not take no for an answer. I look at it this way, If I’m not handing out No’s, then why am I getting handed them?

4.  Photographer

–noun a person who takes photographs, esp. one who practices photography professionally.

I am a aspiring photographer, I don’t claim to be a photographer by any means.  I am not that well seasoned yet.  I am still very much an amatuer, but it seems like people love throwing that word around.  Especially you fucking “Still Photographers.”  Just because you take pictures of grass and shadows on your fucking driveway doesn’t make you a photographer, that makes you a Professional Bored Asshole.  People who are actual photographers don’t need to be taken down by your silly flower pictures.  I’d rather you say it’s a hobby not a profession or I am a photographer.  I did 4 commercials when I was 8 that doesn’t make me an actor, nor a child star so get real people, leave photography to the professionals.

3.  Sorry

1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.: to be sorry to leave one’s friends; to be sorry for a remark; to be sorry for someone in trouble. 2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic: a sorry situation; to come to a sorry end. 3. sorrowful, grieved, or sad: Was she sorry when her brother died? 4. associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; melancholy; dismal. 5. wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful: a sorry horse. 6. (used interjectionally as a conventional apology or expression of regret): Sorry, you’re misinformed. Did I bump you? Sorry.

Sorry is a very necessary word, but I think it’s an ugly word because it comes across weak most of the time.  It’s a very weak intended word for me.  Especially when people say it at the beginning of the sentence.  “I’m sorry, but…”  Honestly?! Are you serious?!  Could you say, “I’m going to say something, but because I’m a pussy, I’m going to apologize now, so please don’t hit me.”  People who say sorry at the beginning of anything make that word seem weak, obviously.  Besides it’s such an ugly looking word anyways. Oh and I hate when people pronounce it sowy, ugh that is even worse! Man the fuck up people, don’t say sorry, unless it’s 100% necessary.

2.  Abomination

–noun

1. anything abominable; anything greatly disliked or abhorred. 2. intense aversion or loathing; detestation: He regarded lying with abomination. 3. a vile, shameful, or detestable action, condition, habit, etc.: Spitting in public is an abomination.

The reason why it’s an ugly word is because religious fanatics have adopted the word as their main ammo.  I guess they feel like if you use that word, your supposed to shut the fuck up and take it, but actually, most of them don’t even know the fucking meaning of the word.  Also, it’s one of the most hateful words other than using an actual hate word like the “NWORD,” or the “BWORD.”

1.  Y’all

–pronoun Chiefly South Midland and Southern U.S. (used in direct address to two or more persons, or to one person who represents a family, organization, etc.): You-all come back now, hear? Tell your mother it’s time you-all came to visit us.

First off, let me say that this word is not the same as the following words:

He’ll

We’ll

She’ll

They’ll

Not by any means, I don’t even use most of those words to begin with.  Y’all is such an ugly fucking word because of it’s intent.  I know it is the same as saying Yous Guys like in Chicago, but personally it makes more sense to say Yous Guys than Y’all.  I have never been one to be okay with anything Country, and Y’all is like the epitomy of Country other than sleeping with your cousin. EWW.

What word irks you the most?

So the above picture is my offcial Bisexual Pride Picture!  There are a couple of things I want to address concerning my Bisexual Nature.

1.  So who do you like more? Men or Women?

Honestly I can’t answer the question.  There are men that I see that I totally want to be with and women that I get a boner just staring at.  I also don’t choose a certain type of men like a “Beefcake,” to compensate for my lack of masculinity nor do I choose a small, blonde and petite girl to make me feel more masculine.  I do have types I am particular about, but neither of them are for a lack of something.  I believe a true bisexual can’t answer this question.

2.  So can a bisexual be in a committed faithful relationship?

Absolutely, fortunately for me, I’ve proven that; time and time again.  Every single one of my relationships I have been cheated on.  I have only been 100% committed to the person I am with at the time.  I am a hopeless romantic and always looking for someone to trust and be honest with, so why would I push that away once I got it?  I know I can be in a committed faithful relationship, can a mature adult who is bisexual? Yes, it’s as simple as that, anyone who claims they are bisexual and uses that to cheat on other people while in a relationship with you, is extremely insecure and immature.

3.  Is there such a thing as bisexuality?

Of course there is.  Otherwise I wouldn’t be alive.  For the most part, it’s not difficult to explain, I can be attracted to both sexes equally, even if I was to make a list of the things that attract me to one sex,  I can make a list just as equal for the opposite sex.

4.  Can the gay community judge me for being bisexual?

Fuck No!  The reason I say that so bluntly is because the gay community has their own issues to be worrying about, than to be concerned with whether or not I am attracted to a man or a woman, as far as I’m concerned I’m the best friend a gay guy or lesbian can have.  The gay community is one to preach for freedom, equality and love; but it seems like they are the first ones to degrade someone for being bisexual.  The minute I knew the gay community sucked, no pun intended, was when they opted to defend a drag queens sexuality and sexual orientation choice over the more obvious one, me being bisexual.  If I had to put into order the list of things the gay community should be worried about, bisexuality is not even on the fucking list.

5.  How do you look for love as a bisexual?

Personally, I don’t.  I have been fortunate enough to not have to use online dating for any of my relationships.  I have met all of my friends through close friends or just became friends with them socially.  I believe the best relationships that “should” last start with a strong friendship.  I do believe this is one of those questions a bisexual can’t really answer without falling into a “trap.”

6.  How can you be a gay bottom and a straight top?

Umm, well I think I need a health teacher to help me explain the dynamics of what goes where, but in all seriousness, it’s truly just about being emotionally charged.  I am one of those people that really loves to live and love by how I am feeling.  It’s a very complex theory in terms of how it works.  When I was with my ex-fiance, I was so attracted to being with her, I didn’t think about anything in terms of being a gay bottom, but when I was with my last relationship, it didn’t process in my head that I’m a top when I’m in a straight relationship.  Again, I truly believe it’s an emotional thing. *shrugs shoulders*

7.  What do you do when a person of another sex attracts you while you are in a relationship?

I think this is technically part two of that committed question, but honestly, you can ask the same question to anyone, you either decide to cheat or decide to stay faithful.  I have had moments where I was with my ex-fiance and I would see a guy and think, “OMG I would totally bang you,” but I didn’t act on it.  So it’s the same as if a straight guy goes to a strip club or cheats on their wife or girlfriend.  No big difference aside from the gender swap.

8.  Isn’t being bisexual just an easy way to cover up you being a lesbian or gay?

Umm, maybe, but not for me.  I think it’s unfortunate that people who do that, don’t have the courage to just admit it one way or another, because they really do create a huge hinderance in an already discriminated against community.  Either admit you are gay or straight or lesbian and stop usin the word “bisexual” in place of “closeted,” just because it looks better.  It’s kinda funny though, well more ironic, because usually the people in either the Straight Community or Gay Community that have once claimed to be “bisexual,” usually are the first ones to say it’s just a transitioning time. What the fuck is that supposed to mean anyways?  When I finally realize I’m straight or gay, will I shed my skin and transform into something? I hope so, because I hate my  body I’m in now, so if someone can help me decide that would be fabulously awesomeo.

9.  Am I normal?

Well let me see? I shit like every other fucking person. I eat like every other person. I cry like every other person.  I think I look like a human, so I am going to guess that I am  normal human being.

10.  Do you agree with Kinsey’s Scale?

No. It’s a cop out, I mean I don’t think it works for the most part.  The Kinsey Scale works on a scale 0-6. 3 being the equal bisexual area, but most people assume anything other than 0 or 6 is bisexual.  Now I can understand someone having 1 relationship with the opposite sex and saying they are bisexual, but isn’t The Kinsey Scale based off of someone’s sexual history and not relationships.  I mean I know people who claim they’ve had plenty of relationships which is code for whore, but I think people are confusing The Kinsey Scale with something else.  The Kinsey Scale, while simplistic is mainly and should only be used to identify someone’s sexuality based on sexual escapades at the moment, but not someone’s lifestyle choice.  Clearly I’m straight if I’m sleeping with a woman and clearly I’m gay if I’m sleeping with a man you fucking idiots.

So basically those where my only points I had to make,whether or not you agree with them, I would love to hear your feed back on them.  What do you think of bisexuality?